Run, Human, Run


Ouch. My head…! How did I get a hangover?

Whoa. I am buff. Way buff. I am hard body, baby. Woo! Check out these abs…

“The monster will not go down without taking one of us with it. Do you understand? No more of your drinking!”

Monster? Oh boy.

“Fool!” shouts the monster fighter, aghast at my behavior. “Why are you examining yourself? You have no injuries! You have been oiled for combat. Let us proceed…”

I stand up at his prompting. I almost leap off the ground! WTF? 

The man shakes his head bitterly. “You will fail me when the death claws strike.”

Is he kidding?

“I’ve been threatened by a deadly unicorn, a phantom cat, a bio-engineered demon, a giant human-eating cancer-causing plant, undercover extraterrestrials, and a society where humans are far outnumbered by runaway robots…

“I’ve found myself on a battlefield, captured by a North Korean spy, hung off the 25th floor of a crumbling skyscraper, and inside the head of a young Native American woman…

“I’ve been humiliated by a super-dominatrix and invited to participate in a payroll holdup by the Hole In The Wall Gang, for which I was hung. I was milked for my sperm, and saw behind the scenes of a plot to speed up global warming…

“I was reunited with an ex who was exactly the same as 20 years ago except a vigilante, another one who’s now a sea goddess, then another ex who’s still 21, then another one who was in ancient America and so was I…

“I awoke naked in a graveyard, met a holy man, and was the last human standing after an invasion by aliens from outer space. I encountered an inter-dimensional explorer who told me I was holding my original reality together almost all by myself…

“I became a cat and observed an alien parasite humans can’t sense. I was interviewed by a couple of transdimensional detectives. Then I was burned at the stake…

“I defended a telekinetic murderer, but woke up President of the USA on assassination day. I invented a fantastically shock-absorbent fabric just before meeting indigenous Americans no one ever knew about…

“I dealt with alien reproduction insurgency, have been an FBI special agent, and was among seven species of hominids together in one place. I was in a world that worships orgasms. I lived among self-evolving Homo cyberiens…

“I was kidnapped by a band from the original Hitler Youth, and worked as a police detective. But then I was a super-criminal who overnight became the captain of a giant cargo ship. Then I became a would-be assassin before landing on the streets as a homeless alcoholic…

“It’s possible that in the last few months I’ve been to hundreds of different worlds. This, your own world, is yet another Earth that I’m seeing for the first time. But you get my drift. I wasn’t born yesterday…so to speak.”

The warrior stares at me like I’m a madman. I probably am a madman by now.

“Much of what you say is shit. I cannot understand it. Why are you behaving so stupidly? We must focus our minds if we are to defeat the creature. This is no ordinary hunting expedition. The monster has murdered half of our people! And let me remind you – I am Sakosi Eniyan…

“I am he who was born near the rim of the Chezoqotle eruption, even as my mother fled, escaping the fate of a human sacrifice.

“In my youth I developed the powers to confront vicious predators. My father was a mysterious foreigner with bright hair, suspected of sorcery.

“And while I am sometimes able to bend the will of a monster making it vulnerable to attack…there are times I can’t.”

An hour later the shadow of this beast falls upon us.

If this is not a dinosaur it’s certainly a runner-up. This gigantic reptilian beast looks every bit as deadly as the towering titans of legend; and he co-exists with contemporary species of humanity.

Sakosi hasn’t bothered to bring a weapon. At least I have my machete. But what good will that be against this?

“I only regret that I was gone when first you showed your cruelty, monster!”

Sakosi strikes!

He leaps, avoiding huge snapping teeth, hopping on a scale carved leg, springing at the back of a neck as big as a tree…

…And jabbing stiff fingers into the soft flesh behind the leviathan’s ear hole.

The giant falls. 

Shifting weight wildly at the last instant, the mass lands on Sakosi! He’s buried!

Only his arm sticks out from tons of muscle and bone. His fingers curl as his life ebbs.

I draw my machete and hack away madly at the mounds of flesh surrounding my partner until I can hoist chunks aside, finally freeing his face. 

He draws a breath.

I give him my ‘told ya so’ grin as I cut off the rest.




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