May I Give You A Lift?


I want to rip humans to shreds!

I don’t want to be happy. I’m “of two minds” as the saying goes, and neither is pleased.

The newest me is big, blue and rudely awakened. This is the weirdest gig yet because I don’t like being underground, and I’m way under. There’s a tribe of us and I’m in the thick of it. I’m unfamiliar with the kind of creature I’ve awakened as, so in my head I call us the Undertakers. We were hibernating until the latest shaking and the constant monstrous hum forced our consciousness.

The old me is both surprised and disturbed. Surprised because this is actually me as I exist on this Earth. Where I originated, the concept of underground evolution is limited to extremos, the tiniest creatures living without sunlight at great depths of the mantle. So this is completely unexpected. And disturbed because I know exactly what woke us from hibernation.

Shovel-like claws that are hard as steel coupled with turbo-charged energy bursts enable us to bore through hard ground leaving structurally solid tunnels in our wakes at as much as a mile in three hours without stopping. Responding to the mining, drilling, dynamiting vibrations, we Undertakers are following their intensity to the source. We’d never go into the surface light at all except for the human incursions threatening our peace and health, requiring investigation.

It’s a tedious dig, enabling my wandering thoughts to fondly recall having a second day in life as a cat yesterday. It was bizarre, yes, but at least in my realm of experience. I start thinking about the relative purity of my cat existence compared to my lifetime as a human – before all this other-Earth stuff began…

Innocence is being removed from public life in my home reality. Up there in human town, the curtain is lifted and we get a behind the scenes look at all human behaviors without exception, sooner or later. 

Information access is increasingly ubiquitous. But now sex is no longer mysterious to any child with internet connections and imagination. Now political manipulation is examined by anyone with a news app. Now old ways of making speeches and deferring childhood cynicism are moot, much to the frustration of those for whom the old ways have worked well. So we have a split electorate and nothing but distastefully extreme choices for leadership…

As we Undertakers dig higher, the intensity of the vibrational disturbances grows greater until we break through into a tunnel lined with powerful lights, jackhammers smashing stone, bellowing voices and strange odors. As I suspected – subway construction.

The subway workers flee when the unexpected invasion roars in. While the smell of Undertakers is enough to render opposition curdled, the true danger lies in our amazing strength and stunning speed.

Maybe it’s the Undertaker running through my veins, but the sight of fleeing humans and the scent of their fear makes me want to chase them down. In fact I seem to be the only Undertaker who isn’t doing just that.

When the subway humans are shredded we advance to higher ground. The light pressure up here is making my Undertaker head a bit dizzy, but exhilaration drives me on.

I’m disgusted with humanity! Unlike these fellow Undertakers, I’ve known humans and I know their callous recklessness. I know their cruelty. This noise today has triggered something deep within me, and coupled it with the beast I’ve become.

I want to rip as many human bodies as I can find!

On the street I see a vintage car. The driver is about to shoot one of my sisters. I scoop the car off the street and hurl it into a crowd while the rattled driver fires wildly. With diesel engine at full throttle no one can hear you scream –or at least they can’t tell what you’re saying.

They do it to themselves. They don’t care that it’s legal to sell armor-piercing bullets to crazy Uncle Mel. They have the power to vote and forget to use it – or just don’t care enough. They see themselves shot to pieces again and again, at the same time allowing their peacekeepers to dress like warriors, allowing false protectors to shoot and execute suspects with impunity.

Turning every controversy into an “issue” takes humans down a dead end. They rail about race, gender, religion and generation gaps instead of examining their personal inter-relations. Why do they live?

I jump on a table where a group of young idiots has decided to stay and finish their hot dogs and fries despite the masses fleeing around them. Their regret due to my sudden appearance shows immediately on their doomed faces. It amazes me when my claws go through them like butter.

Look at them run. Humans of every type are upset that they can’t keep up with the liberalization of society. Every generational issue, race issuegender issue or other social debate divides former allies into evermore specialized tribes.

There are always more than two sides to any story. Turns out there are infinite sides. When all voices are heard, none stand out for long. The only hope for hanging on with any degree of community may be authenticity.

Just cut the bullshit. Like I’m about to cut this grotesque, awkward, skanky human woman…

Whoa. That’s no human woman.

That’s my ex-wife!