Planet Of The Millennials


My squad is havin’ a day at the beach. It ain’t a beach day like bikinis or nothin’ but we diggin’ the waves an all, with me mostly checkin’ out my new man, who’s been invited along to meet my peeps.

“Workout Girl!” he call me. He likes my muscles and shit. I’m wearin’ my winter workout gear and he checkin’ out my shape. I ain’t even let on about my marksmanship status. Hell, he ain’t never held a gun. But last night we was all Netflix and Chill and that shit was dope like I ain’t never smoked.

He’s not like other guys I’ve dated. I swiped right on him immediately! My fam doesn’t quite know what to make of him yet and they be givin’ me all kinds of looks. But last night wasn’t no smash, we in love.

Meanwhile the sky is cloudin’ up and it’s startin’ to rain. All at once it gets darker and we run for the boardwalk. Everything is lit until I hear shots and screams.

The killers strike like they shatterin’ through a window.

Weird cars run up on us from down the beach. They tearin’ up the sand and shootin’ up anybody in sight!

There’s nowhere to hide. I pull my piece out of my gym bag. Fuck if I’m goin’ down without a fight! Before they get here I try to PAP but things are too busy. They just popped THOT! Shit!

I flatten out on the sand and take aim at the nearest vehicle when my new bae falls face down beside me. Shot in the head!

I can see their faces now. It’s the Planet of the Apes! They’re monkeys!

There’s no time to hold him as shots pop up sand around me and it’s obvious I’m targeted. My pack is runnin’ but they’re hit and fall. Those fucks just took out three peeps!

I don’t mean TBR but I’m gonna fuck them monkeys up, y’all!

“It’s monkey people!” these people be yellin’ runnin’ past me. I concentrate ’cause I got a bead on the upcomin’ shooter. People? I’m woke, but these ain’t politically correct times! They’s monkeys to me!

And pop! Pop! Pop pop pop! Down goes the trigger monkey! I’m the fuckin’ GOAT, bae! My shit is TOPE, y’all!

His ride go on but the downed monkey be wallowin’ in the sand until I put my foot on his throat. The other monkeys is chasin’ folks down the boardwalk but this sorry ape is mine.

I hang over him ready to cap him in the face when he looks up at me.

“Fuck you, Bonzo!” I yell, squeezin’ the trigger. He starts talkin’ before the gun fires.

We’re not monkeys! We are the last remnants of the first humanoid species, the leaders of the upright revolution who look like apes but think like people.” Perfect English! I’m surprised but still mad.

I point to my BF’s body. “We were gonna hook up tonight!”

The dyin’ gorilla man lays there talkin’ to himself while he’s dyin’. “We were the first to stand upon the plains and look over the tall grass to the horizon on two feet…”

Do I care? “You shot my peeps in the back! They tried to skurt but got capped in the back!”

“This thing called evolution came in waves,” the monkey goes on as the light fades from his eyes. “At the crest of the wave that produced humanoids, seven species of humans shared the world. But now, in the trough between crests, one species reigns dominant by virtue of genocide. Yours.”

“You’re insane,” I tell him with the gun at his head. “We never even fuckin’ heard of you before!”

“Somewhere in the ancient shadows of the still unexplored corners,” he warns me, “survivors still hide as best they can hoping to be forgotten by you.”

“What unexplored corners?” I want to know. “The whole world is mapped!”

The dying shit goes on. “No matter how well our isolated realms protect us, we can feel the growing, surrounding breath of the encroaching nuclear space age. Our territory and our options shrink rapidly.”

“Our ‘ship was sweet, y’all,” I declare in remembrance of my murdered 24-hour BF.Like IDEK WTF is on me! But his shit was a dime!”

“We haven’t dared walk among the modern-day rulers of the planet for a million years, but today we ride in unabashed, charging toward our death and taking as many of you bareskins as possible with us.”

I throw shade at that crapper. Swipe left on that shit. I go savage…

You picked the wrong victim this time, funky face.