The Cat Who Came Home Hard


Yawn…I come around…

Stretch…I feel like I’ve been out for a long time. I’ve had some peaceful sleep.

Sit up. Lick chest. Yawn again. Having a hard time moving, like I haven’t used muscles in some time.

Okay, this is familiar.  Wonder of wonders, once again I am… flexible! I scratch behind my left ear with my left leg and foot.

Mm, that’s a sweet feeling of refreshment. We do know how to sleep. Mm, I think I want to take another nap right… Huh?Pandora

I smell familiarity. My head bobs up and I look around with darting glances.

I’m surprised and relieved to find my old bedroom, my home bedroom, and that woman standing over me with a broom is – my wife! It’s my actual, original human wife! Am I home? Is she –

Whoa! I jump out of the way deftly before she lowers the broom trying to whack me hard.

Why would she do that? It smells like the real her. Maybe she’s freaked out because of the guy with the pistol?

Dodging her hysterical attempts to whack agile me I make it over to the passed out schmuck on the floor to check him out. I get a very disturbing vibe when I sneak a quick lick of his skin before hightailing it out the bedroom door toward the kitchen. That skin tastes like the human me.

She’s not following me.

My old kitchen. Weird looking up at it. I wonder if I can open the refrigerator with my paws? My paws work a lot like hands. I can pick up this dust bunny. I wonder if it tastes good?

Nope. Wait a minute. If my wife’s not following me then what’s she up to?

I trot rapidly and lightly back to the edge of the bedroom door. I’m a regular ballerina. I see the wife woman. Her chest and head are glowing and that makes me want to stay away from her. When humans glow like that they throw things. Except, this isn’t about me. She’s going to finish off that man who’s the human me! She’s raising a heavy vase above his head with the intent of hammering it down on my human skull!

I watch her do it!

Wife or not that is a mean human! I stealthily trot away down the hall. How do I get out of here now?

Suddenly two humans are charging down the hall right at me! Never smelled or saw them before!

Scampering in reverse my claws and paws slip and slide on the hardwood floor before I finally get traction like a cartoon. But once I get traction baby, there’s no catching the cat!

Except -!

My wife jumps out of the bedroom right in my path. I butt-slide a bit until I can body twist and claw snatch the floor for a stop. Mean people are coming from both directions!

Halloween cat arch!

The wife has my gun and she fires twice at the approaching strangers. I drop the arched back as the bullets whiz above me.

The strange man throws a hammer and the strange woman throws a big carving knife. The hammer hits my wife in the head and the knife sticks in her gut. She staggers backward and falls hard, her skull bouncing twice.

I beat it into the kitchen until the dust settles, as the people say. There are no food bowls anywhere at floor level. No water. I jump up on the counter. Say now! Somebody didn’t finish their lasagna! Very cool.

Okay. That was good. As I clean my face and whiskers I can hear those two weirdos and I put together their story. Two former NSA field agents with advanced weapons and martial arts combat training, dedicated to protecting rising minority businesses and the families behind them.

They are named Desco and Chiny. Apparently my “wife” was actually a double-agent undetected with orders to take me out when notified. She’s been underground for years.

I can’t really remember, but I must have been involved in something really stressful when I was a human here. I can’t find a litter box so I pee on a pile of dirty clothes.

After all this I need a bath. Where’s a good place up high for a nap?