The Man, The Planet… The Manplanet


The End Of The World Comes Without Warning… 

The first public sign is the detection of weird objects appearing in high orbit, only no one recognizes the oncoming threat.

“Translated, I call them Galaxienjäger,” Mallika tells me from inside her nebulous E-Cloud. “They’re trans-galactic predators and they’re accompanied by equally sturdy parasites and bacteria!”

Great. Intergalactic symbiotic life that interacts or catastrophically reacts with native forms.

In short order, everybody on the daylight side of Earth starts noticing a general thickening of the upper sky unattributed to clouds. People who are awake anywhere notice their skin tingling. The internet begins to buzz about connections between the UFOs, the cloudless cloud and the crazy itching.

“They’re like cosmic bees flitting among the galactic flowers,” Mallika laments, “but they destroy what they touch instead of renewing it. We’ve been lucky they never approached our Milky Way home before.”

Internet rumors soar. Hashtags like #FlyingSaucersLandOnWhiteHouselawn and #AlienMachinesStalkCities and #BEWAREenergyBEAMS trend heavily. Some claim to be approached by conquerors straight out of Star WarsStar Trek and Doctor Who, demanding such things as our women or entire cities to take home to Epsilon Eridani or wherever.It’s all a distraction from the scratchy, increasingly dusty truth.

“How much of our universe have you seen?” I ask Mallika, looking for some kind of defense for the lives under threat.

She thinks for a long moment before deciding, “I’ve seen all of it – from the outside, as did you!”

“Can you remember everywhere you’ve been?”

“It seems like it.”

“Can you think of anything anywhere that stopped these Galaxienjäger?”

“No,” Mallika says sadly. “These things are powered by energy they absorb from imploding stars. The Solar System is a tiny snack for them that will leave ruin in their wake.”

“We have to realize what ‘alien’ means,” tweets Professor Urus Abell, trying to calm a nervous populace. “It means completely different – and maybe indifferent. What if we can’t recognize an alien as intelligent even if it’s smarter than us?”

“I think like Mars Attacks or War Of The Worlds when I think of aliens,” insists an eternally optimistic layman. “I think they’re kind of like us but, maybe meaner? Or maybe nicer, who knows?”

Then odd vapors rise from every plant, tree and blade of grass. A revolting smog generated from the dying cells of flora and fauna blankets the world, even covering the oceans from which a weird steam rises. As worldwide visibility deteriorates and the phenomena are globally acknowledged, it is universally assumed that the UFOs are behind this.

The military is urged to launch some kind of counterattack. But by the time any missiles or particle weapons could be effective, humans will no longer be concerned. In fact, humanity will no longer be.

Mallika has seen them before, and visited the remains of worlds they have devoured. “Evolved for quantum tunneling movement throughout the universe, they are capable of resting on and adapting to thousands of types of planetary environments, and able to transform matter into energy across a remarkable range of substances, and they have no regard for the sanctity of any biosphere.”

As for this Earthly, once-isolated civilized culture, psychological realities collapse into madness. It becomes painfully clear even to the most ardent idealists, theologians, fanatics and intellectuals that no sub-light species has a chance against these super-physical exploiters, who see planetary environments as meals that a benevolent Nature entitles them to.

The most rational of terrestrial talk show hosts seems to give a eulogy that sums up the inevitability of human extinction.

“Considering the motivations of bright aliens leads to dead ends. But now, for their own reason, such entities have cast their attention on Earth and either covet it or detest it. Either way, they or it has decided that humanity – or perhaps all Earth-based biology – is in the way. And so a fatal assault has been launched. There has been no need for these oe198-masteralien entities to come close enough for us to strike back in time. Perhaps they even find us to be creepy. But whether they detect no value in us or consider us a plague, we are gone. Thanks to our compact, centralized location we are much easier for them to exterminate than it is for us to exterminate roaches. A few of us might be able to hide out in space or on Mars, but to what comfort knowing that we’re the final whiff of an endangered species? The obvious answer is that we needed to go extraterrestrial along time ago, a process that could have been progressing since the 1960’s if we’d only had the necessary foresight as a species to recognize the vast cosmos in which we held a tiny, fragile dot in our childish care.”

So if the metaphorical lights suddenly go out, use your last thoughts to get the joke.

This way we all get to go out together.

Weren’t we all gonna die anyway? Of course Mallika and I can get away to an other Earth in her E-Cloud. But wait…

As Manplanet I can generate gravity, heat, magnetism and electricity from my radioactive molten core.

E-Cloud delivers me beside the Galaxienjäger in space beyond the orbit of the Moon. They are at rest, feeding on the evaporation of souls. Before they can react she vanishes, leaving me there as I generate as much gravitation as I can, turning myself into a virtual black hole.

When the Galaxienjäger are irresistibly pulled to me, I snap electrically and release pulses of my inner heat through every orifice.

With Galaxienjäger incapacitated, Mallika in her E-Cloud returns for me. In the final seconds of Galaxienjäger life in this system I enter Mallika’s E-Cloud, and together we return to a much-relieved Earth.

A flash as bright as a nova is seen across half the Earth.

…Where Manplanet is a bad guy no more.