I Made The Mineral Men*


*With apologies to Doctor Will Magnus…

“You created me,” the gleaming beauty says. “Why don’t you love me?”

“I do love you,” I admit, “but not like you’re thinking.”

“Then why did you give me a vagina?” Platinum asks.

“I have also been curious about the inclusion of genitals,” states Gold. “Do you intend for us to mate? Are we capable of auto-replication?”

I once wondered how ordinary brains could identify genius. If a moron tells you you’re a genius, I mean…

Somehow, though, it is now certain in this integument. I am now a genius. I feel the difference empirically. My associative capabilities have exponentially aggrandized to a tumescent degree. Recall regarding singular readings or references is straightforward, increasing my active vocabulary stupendously. Perhaps on this Earth I never had the childhood misfortune of encountering a baseball bat with my head, introducing me to a skull bounce upon pavement. In any event, the brain I employ here is the most powerful thinking apparatus I’ve occupied since the quantum computer.

I surmise that this genius I am has employed my cerebral endowments toward the creation of a new form of life. I forged a unit of emergency reaction robots. This laboratory suggests the molds and makings of at least 13 android entities. My decision to design humanoid configurations with ecto, endo and mesomorphic features apparently was an attempt to allay pedestrian apprehensions. Likewise the assignment of gender. In the case of new technologies, familiarity breeds approbation.

Minerals are the source of life. In fact I surmised that they are life and can be evolved artificially into sentient life forms in their purest possible state.

The first Mineral Man was Iron. He and Lead were the inexpensive minerals that I could afford to experiment with and fail. They were also the most difficult to conform to my chemical synthesis. It took many tries before Iron finally coalesced into the molecular flexibility required for my malleable agents. Iron would be the strength of a team, a mesomorph born with determination and mental stamina, a magnetic conductor of heat and electricity.

Next came Lead. He would be the team’s shield. The only endomorph, given the primary traits of patience and empathy, he provides protection from electricity and radiation with shape-shifting capabilities.

The third Mineral Man I green-lighted was Tin. Lightweight but sturdy, Tin would be our messenger and scout, an ectomorph endowed with loyalty.

The three most challenging transformations came next. These materials are expensive and in one case extremely toxic.

The first of these was Mercury. Unique in her ability to release herself as liquid at room temperature and regroup in another location makes her invaluable. She’s an ectomorph driven by simulated feelings. Her high surface tension allows liquid movement and resistance to penetration.

The fifth Mineral Man was Gold. Flexibility is his specialty. A mesomorph imbued with cognitive reasoning beyond the others, no known natural substance can destroy gold. Even if chemically dissolved gold remains gold, dispersed.

The final member of the team to come to life was Platinum. She’s capable of stretching 87% of her mass into a prehensile wire thinner than a human hair. A mesomorph intended as an ambassador of sorts between the new species and humans, she has the strongest perception of human emotions, and is ductile, resistant to chemicals and heat.

Records lend possible explanation to the aberrant behavior of near-human emotional range displayed by my oeuvre. That a creation such as Platinum, made of material mined in the western United States, could fall in “love” with her creator – is puzzling. But solar activity at the moment of her activation could actually have interacted with her response meter, altering or enhancing its function.

“Why can’t you fall in love with me like I love you?”

My answer to Platinum is predicated on the assumption that consummation of a relationship between myself and any synthetic entity would prove repugnant. However no scientific evidence yet points to such a conclusion.

Indeed, when I privately ponder Platinum, I am startled to be thinking of coitus and intimacy. Did I inadvertently design the woman of my dreams?

I am surprised to discover that my general annoyance at sharing the planet with other people has been assuaged.

Obviously I am now too brilliant to hold humanity in contempt for that which it cannot control.